Posts Tagged ‘Facebook’

Korky’s Facebook Inferiority Complex


2010
02.10

Listen, I care about “You People”, my Facebook Friends, but let’s put a few things in perspective.

I have never lived on a farm, I wouldn’t have the slightest idea how to raise farm chickens, pigs or sheep. Why are you asking me to help you, to become your hired help on the Farm? I care about you, but do you really need me to help you get a chicken coop? If I had to worry each night whether my animals were safe from the big, bad wolf I’d be more of an emotional mess than I already am. Who the heck needs that pressure?

What is this FishVille business? Those of you who know me know that I don’t eat fish or anything from the water. I am not a likely person to help you find coins so together we can buy fish for your aquarium. Bless your heart, you can fill your own dang aquarium with as many fish as you want, just don’t ask me for coins to fill it. That sounds like some sort of a government entitlement program. If you want fish why don’t you go out and get a job at a fish hatchery to get the coins so you can buy the damn Fish? Or maybe they will give you fish for all your hard work. Don’t ask me to help you, I love you, but I need you to help yourself. It is the American Way!

And no, I am not going to take an IQ test and then post the results on Facebook, so when you are thinking of friends to send an IQ request, please skip me. It obviously could turn out one of two ways: one, my IQ will turn out to be real low and you will say privately to yourself, “Yes, I expected as much. I’ve seen signs along the way” or “I really had no idea that she is so brilliant. Well, I guess that shows that she is not living up to her full potential being on Facebook all the time. Why isn’t she off writing grant papers, committing random acts of world peace or feeding people from the bounty of her FarmVille garden?” It’s not a winning test for me so I protest and refuse to take it.

Why would anyone take a survey to find out what breed of Dog that you are? ‘Well, I am feeling sort of like a bassett hound around my jowls, a pug in my layers of body fat; however, my skinny legs are best represented by a Doberman Pincher.’ That should be obvious to all of you; if it’s not I invite you to take a look at my Profile pictures. There are enough double chins posted of me if you sewed them all together you’d get one nice really plush bean bag chair.

Here’s a great one that popped up on me today: “Find out which of your Facebook Friends answered a Q & A test about you!” So you immediately click on that button because you want to know who knows you so well and then you see that they are answering questions like these: Do you trust Korky Gries with your life? Do you think Korky Gries has ever smoked before? Do you think that Korky Gries is cute?” and here is my favorite, “Do you think that Korky Gries can eat three Big Macs?” followed directly by, “Do you think Korky Gries can eat three Big Macs?” Like, if they asked it the first time and the person said ‘No’ do you need to ask it again, ’cause maybe they changed their mind? “Yes, come to think of it, she probably can eat three Big Macs. She seems like the kind”.

You are passing me slices of cake, asking me to join in a pillow fight, demanding to know what kind of a Sexy Lady am I, and then flinging lasagna at me. I feel violated, is there a self-help group for me? I also feel like this is a bad dream about my junior high years in Ankeny, Iowa. This smacks of the slumber party game, “Truth, Dare, Double Dare, Promise or Repeat” that I played one-too-many times at slumber parties back in the day. This game was played right before you had toothpaste squeezed down your pants, had your bra frozen, or called boys and told them to come to so-and-so’s house so they could talk to you through the basement window. “Light as a feather, stiff as a board!” and up to the ceiling you went because you were obviously propelled there by the ghosts of slumber parties past.

I’m sorry my dear Facebook Friends, I must be a huge disappointment to you all. As you can see, I would not pass, “DOCTOR PHIL’S PERSONALITY TEST”. Help us, I think I’ll just let my Facebook Friends find out that I am not a joiner the ‘natural’ Facebook way. Please do not be offended if I don’t send you bricks for your farm, come to your corn shuckin’ or barn raising, send you coins for Fiery Fish Tacos that I can sell in my Cafe or pass you a holiday cocktail. I’d be glad to pass you a cocktail in real life, but over the computer? People!!! What seems to be wrong with this picture?’

I enjoy Facebook and I check my messages each day. I just wanted to say to you that I am starting to feel a little inadequate since I don’t have a clue on half of the stuff all y’all are sending me to join. “Do you think Korky Gries is a good friend? Do you think Korky Gries is a good friend?” Hope this gets answered in the positive, otherwise I’m going to develop some sort of an inferiority complex.