Send in the Clowns

2010
06.17

I love articles like this one which came from our local Cedar Rapids newspaper a few years ago.  A friend of mine keeps this article in her drawer to bring out and look at whenever she needs a great laugh; she recently brought it to my attention.  I, of course, felt the need to share it with you.  It is a cautionary tale about for whom you should open your door.

First of all, the title of the article makes the reader nearly afraid for their very life since wayward clowns potentially are roaming in killer packs around the city of Marion, Iowa.

Imagine the fear of going to your door and opening it up only to see three mean looking clowns in black and white face paint.  Of course he closed the door, but one of the menacing clowns, “kicked it in”.  Did the clown kick the door in with his size 16, red clown shoes?  The article doesn’t mention it, but one would think that that should be the case.

I don’t know about you, but I had a Bozo the Clown punching bag when I was a kid.  People are supposed to hit clowns, clowns do not hit people unless they have one of those extremely huge balloon mallets; they can also whallop other clowns in the noggin.  That is just what normal clowns do!

Clowns should be nice; they should pile twelve deep into a crazy clown car, speed off zig zagging down the street, and then flop out of the car one after another.  They should make funny little balloon animals for small children; they definitely should not beat people up.

I’m reading into this article, but can you imagine the man sitting in his living room, perhaps tossing back several adult beverages while watching Dog the Bounty Hunter when there is a knock on the door.  He goes to the door and peeks out the window to see who may have dropped by.  Oh hello!  It’s pack of killer clowns!! And here let me digress a little.  We say a Pride of Lions, a Pack of Wolves, and a Pod of Whales.  What grouping do clowns travel in?  I’ve decided that like crows clowns must travel in a Murder.  Nothing else makes sense in this article unless you say, “a Murder of Clowns”.

Anyway, why did the man open the door to begin with?  I mean, if several clowns come to your door, and they are not dressed in anything but clown make-up, including one clown with a black tear rolling down white face paint, a pair a jeans and a wife beater t-shirt that says, “People like you are the reason people like me KILL PEOPLE”, why in the heck would you ever open the door for them?

What’s more, these weren’t clowns dressed in red, yellow and blue face paint with a large, red rubber nose waiting to be honked; they are described as only having white face paint with black rings around their eyes and mouths.  For God’s sake, these weren’t clowns!  They were Mimes!  Was anything said by the “clowns”?  The article didn’t say, so this is another way to be sure that they were Mimes instead of clowns.  Mimes would make frowny or angry faces but they would say nothing; a clown might say, in a squeaky, chirpy voice,  “Okay, boys and girls, and now we are going to show Mr. Smith why he is dead meat!”

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention to you that the article quotes the man as saying he recognized one of them because they had, “a common gal in their past.”  Is that really what they mean?  I’d like to clarify that a little bit. When I was in school and learning about English we were told to be precise in what one writes.  Did they mean, ‘a gal whom they both knew’, or did they really mean, “a common gal”, which perhaps means a woman of questionable morals who lives in a single-wide down by the river?  This woman would be someone rough and vulgar whom both men ‘knew’  – in the Biblical sense.  I’m just curious. The wording in the article should have been a little more clear because a discerning reader like me would be very curious on that point.

The article finishes by saying that, “he suffered minor injuries but refused treatment.”  Well, of course he did!  Who wants to admit that they got their ass kicked by a Murder of Roving Mimes?  Who wants to acknowledge that a common gal may have been the reason that you are unsafe in your own living room or that the Mime Squad has put a hit out on you?

I’ve never seen an update on this story.  All I can say is that you can bet I look out my door before I open it.  Marion, Iowa is a rough place.

One Response to “Send in the Clowns”

  1. Ruth Rutten says:

    Korky, you are a hoot! thanks for bringing a smile to my face!

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