Underneath It All

2009
04.21

I have insufficient underwear. What I mean to say is that my underwear is sub-standard, they are not all that I had hoped and dreamed that they would be. Not that I dream often about underwear, but I had thought at this stage in my life my knickers would be, well, different.

Where I go wrong in this story is to admit to you that I wear underwear at all; after all, who likes to think about what kind of skivvies your friends wear? I prefer to think of my friends dressed in their outer clothes, not walking around in their britches. No, it’s better to not mention my underwear, so that you will never think about me wearing them- but I do wear them, so let’s talk business.

I spent a good portion of the day Saturday watching an infomercial about a garment called the Body Slimmer, or some such thing. The Body Slimmer can take a woman who is 40 pounds over weight and transform her into her ideal body shape. I know, I saw it on TV so it must be true. No diets or surgery needed, just two easy payments of $39.99 and you too can have a smooth back, trim stomach and improved posture due to the criss cross back strap design.

Oh my gosh! I’d do anything to get rid of my back fat and my pregnancy belly!! I have been meaning to get rid of this flabby stomach, but 11 years ago I had a c-section and I really hate to do sit-ups for fear mid sit up I am going to blow my scar and my guts are going to burst everywhere. I’ve been thinking about this for the last 11 years and I think I’ve come to the sensible conclusion.

Therefore, I am relying on my foundation garments to give me the help and support that I need. Have you tried Spanx? I love them but they cause my ankles to be obese- all my fat is just shifted and packed downwards. And for you girls out there, why is there a slit in the panty section of the crotch? I don’t understand this. To me it is just a fault in the design, all of the fat that is being packed in and shoved down has an opening to squeeze through. It really is not a smart design. Are you supposed to pull them down to use the restroom or just potty through the slit? Inquiring minds want to know. If you don’t believe me, ask your best girlfriends and you will get all kinds of answers about what the protocol is. Who knew that it would take a gang of women to decide how the Spanx should be worn?

I am famous for dressing for an event at the last minute. At my sister-in-law’s graduation I reached quickly into my drawer and grabbed a pair of control top panty hose. After the commencement, and when the crowd was milling around congratulating the graduates, I felt a strange sensation. I guess it would be sort of the equivalent of what happened when the tectonic plates shifted in the great San Francisco earthquake of 1906. What actually happened was that the panty hose were so old that the elastic in the control top just gave way and crumbled. It was such a cataclysmic event that the panty section started to migrate downwards to my knees; by the time I waddled out to the car the crotch of the panty hose had slid past my knee caps. At some point I just walked out of the suckers and pretended that some ill-bred girl had flung off her garments during a disreputable tryst and I had just discovered them at my feet.

Another tragedic thing that happens is when you have a pair of low-rise underwear and the waist band goes bad. What is likely to happen is a burble of belly rolls the underwear down further into your pants. This usually occurs when you are at church talking to the minister about the upcoming pancake breakfast. What I am saying is that you just can’t reach your hand down your pants to right the wrong, you have to just stand there and enjoy your belly fat undulating downwards.

It’s not just actual panties that cause the problem either. How many of you ladies out there have been somewhere important and the underwire in your bra snaps in half? If you are bigger busted this is a major catastrophy; you are counting on that reinforced steel to keep all things in the northern hemisphere. That very sharp wire is now poking you somewhere quite tender and you are obliged to pretend that all is well with the world. This is not easy when you are being skewered.

I am an equal opportunity underwear-er. I own briefs, mid rise, low rise, bikins, boy shorts, big girl high top panties and the ever menacing thongs. I was talked into buying a thong by a skinny friend, she had no idea that I could potentially be mistaken for Japan’s Junior Miss Sumo 2009; she just thought that they were liberating and would give me that seamless look. How does a sumo wrestler get that seamless look?

My underwear is disappointing because none of my styles are able to wrangle this bulbous body into a smooth and svelte chicky. I think I am going to order me the Body Slimmer, I bet I would look good 40 pounds lighter. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am in the middle of an underwear crisis. I wonder how fast they can get it to me?

2 Responses to “Underneath It All”

  1. Ron Huber says:

    Thoroughly enjoyable reflection, Kork! Your vocabulary grows in service to your delightful humor. I can’t help this; you know it’s true. Second to the last para has a run-on preceding the semi-colon split. I know you’ll find it.

    Certain you require no encouragement, but keep on. It’s good for you and for anyone taking time to enjoy your whimsical reflections.

  2. Korky Gries says:

    I’m sure that it is there if you tell me RH, you’ve never let me down! Behind every good writer there is an equally good editor and I do not have one yet. I needs to get me one of them types. 😀 It seems that I am lucky if I finish the laundry, grocery shopping, volunteering, yada, yada, yada. In other words, I write ’em, I don’t proof ’em.

    Somehow I need to carve out some more time to work on this writing thing, but that day is not yet at hand. I am thinking of abandoning the Blog, and trying to put the writings all together and send them somewhere, that somewhere being rather vague. I don’t think I have much control over my own stuff once it goes onto my Blog. We will see what happens next.

    As always, I greatly appreciate the feedback, it helps to know that people are reading!

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